7 years on….

Hey there, it’s been a quick minute since I last posted (actually like 10 months) but we’ll skip over that and i’ll just get to the point.

Today marks 7 years since Nick passed away. Yep, I know what you’re thinking, ‘already 7 years’, ‘that’s gone quickly’ and ‘why am i reading this, who’s Nick?’

Well, keep reading….

I won’t go over the same things I wrote about on his 6 years gone by post, you can read it by clicking here or what I wrote for his 5 year anniversary post, you can find it here.

And on the odd chance you just stumbled here, click here to know a bit more about Nick’s story.

I’ve spent time today going through the hours of footage Nick left us, going about his everyday life during his treatment and it’s after effects, to his monologues for our then baby girl, of what he wanted her to be in life, ‘kind, thoughtful, patient and beautiful, just like your mum’,  his own words, I swear!

Of course, she has become all those things and more, and she is way more beautiful at 8, than I could ever be!

On reflecting on the past 7 years, it makes me extra grateful to have these clips of him. They remind me of his being a perfectionist, with a video he filmed of himself trimming our garden hedge, his dedication to his work life with the many clips of him talking to his work mates and of course his love for us and our families, with so many of him talking about everyone and what they meant to him.

I’m grateful for these videos, for a selfish reason too, because i’m scared as the years go on, that my memories won’t be as sharp.

That I’ll forget about the time we first stated dating and he wore the dorkiest sandals to the beach, or the fact he secretly loved Britney Spears and would play her albums over and over in his car, or how complimentary he always was about what I wore and how vocal he was about what we ate for dinner.

The Funeral - The Final Goodbye - part 2
Nicks memorial card

Will I remember the names of his mentors from work who he spoke about constantly, wanting to emulate their career paths. He had such respect for those who had come before him, telling me he’d be just like them and better one day.

I’ll always remember the way he had of talking to you, when he was trying to get a point across. It was both parts demanding and motivating, all at once. Sometimes during these lectures, I’d zone out but gosh, I wish I’d recorded some of these chats to replay to myself now. Those are the things I wish I remembered verbatim.

Will I always remember the look on his face, when he told me about his terminal cancer diagnosis, unfortunately yes, that look still haunts me. His blank stare, trying to be brave, but holding back tears. The questions hanging in the air between us, with no answers.

Will I remember what his first car was, what his first pet’s name was, what his favourite memory from school was, what he wanted to be when he was a kid?

The many conversations we had over the years aren’t all stored in my memory, and after 10 years together and 7 years since he’s been gone, i’m getting a little rusty and it scares me.

Luckily, I have so many videos and photos of our time together, just one picture will take me back to that time in place, the start of a video will remind me of that part of our lives.

For as crazy as people thought it was to document his treatment, it has turned into the best memory I have of him. It’s real, honest and raw in every way, but it’s Nick in all his glory showing his strength and bravery when the world was so against him.

He is sorely missed, not just today but everyday. He is still spoken about, not just sometimes, but every single day and he is loved, not just while he was with us, but every day since he’s been gone too.

Thanks for reading along, til next time, whenever that might be?!?

Michela xx

 

12 thoughts on “7 years on….

  1. This is beautifully written Michaela.
    Nick will never be forgotten. I think of you both everyday and I’ll always remember his last words to me (‘Have fun’) and I know exactly what he meant.

    You both went through absolute hell yet you were both so lovely, thoughtful, kind and friendly throughout the whole crapness of it all.
    I will never, ever, ever forget.
    X

  2. I always love reading your posts, such an inspiration to other widows and women in general! You are such a strong and amazing woman!

  3. I love hearing from you, you talk so lovely and openly about Nick and your life together,,, your daughter will be 50% Nick and 50% you as your both amazing articulate generous people. I hope one day you will write a book and put all these memories of your life past and present in there, it would be enriching to many. Though I think that may be a while off as your busy bringing up your children. All my love thoughts and prayers RIP Nick and happy 40th birthday Nick for March x

  4. So glad you have those moments captured on film, one of my biggest regrets since my Dad died is that we don’t have this. By the time I thought it prior to his death his dementia was so advanced it would not have been a memory I would want to keep. So the two of you were brilliant to have done it all the way through treatment and before.

  5. Thank you for still Sharing Your Times Michela <3
    It's Sad, but Heart Warming.
    You are 1 Special Lady.
    Envelope yourself in those you love and care about, I'm sure Nick does that from afar.
    Hugz xx

  6. Nick, is always in my prayers and heart, and will always be loved by our family and never forgotten . I still speak to him, when I look up at the sky ( he doesn’t respond though ,maybe one day ) . Michela , you are truly a beautiful soul , God bless you, love and kisses Helen xxx

  7. My heart just broke all over again at the thought of Nick telling you about his terminal diagnosis. He fought so valiantly. And you Michela were his angel (his words).

    When Nick died I would often feel sad on a beautiful sunny day. Sad he was not around to see the light. Sad he wouldn’t watch his baby girl grow up. But I see him everywhere. So I think of him often. And that makes me smile. And that would all be his doing!

    Lots of love to you Michela and Claudia

    Pepi xxx

  8. I still remember some of our talks….most of which started with “listen dickhead” or “lebo” It’s funny how one in particular really stands out about “my friends”. As much as i hated that he was right, he was! As messed up as it may be i still have his phone number and email address in my phone, just in case i need more life advice i guess.
    Your post was touching as always my beautiful sister. Nick I’m sure would be incredibly proud of you xxx

  9. My heart just broke all over again at the thought of Nick telling you about his terminal diagnosis. He fought so valiantly. And you Michela were his angel (his words).

    When Nick died I would often feel sad on a beautiful sunny day. Sad he was not around to see the light. Sad he wouldn’t watch his baby girl grow up. But I see him everywhere. So I think of him often. And that makes me smile. And that would all be his doing!

    Lots of love to you Michela and Claudia xxx
    Nick I still can’t believe you’re gone. Often in my thoughts.

    Love
    Pepi

  10. As always, poignant and moving. I do love reading your posts and yes I am one who thought ‘no! It can’t be 7 years!’
    Following your journey through bereavement and creating a new life and family that still includes Nick has been inspiring. Do keep writing when you feel you can. Lots of love to you and your family today. Gemma x

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