A widow’s view on remarriage

Will you ever remarry again? This was a question I was asked many times once my husband passed in 2011. ‘You’re so young, you can’t be alone forever?’

Truth was, at that time, I wasn’t ready to consider marriage again, but I knew it was something I would contemplate one day, fast forward 3 years and I can now say, i’m happily married once more.

Not everyone has been happy for me though, i’ve come across negative comments, and yes, some lost friendships over it too. Hard to believe that when times are sad, your phone doesn’t stop ringing and the fridge is full of party invites, but for me, once the word spread that I was dating someone, a lot of this came to an end!

I don’t believe any widow’s decision to remarry is without careful consideration. I wasn’t looking to add another husband to my entourage, I didn’t spend nights out drinking & searching for a new partner either. (Though each to their own, I still had a 2 year old daughter to put to bed every night!) I was beginning to enjoy life again and that, of being a single mum, when destiny and I believe my late husband, had other plans in mind, when I was re-united with my first boyfriend and the rest as they say, is history.

Here are some comments i’ve heard about me since my remarriage:

1. She’s forgotten all about Nick and her past.

Correction: I still talk about Nick, all the time and not in a ‘he was the best husband and you suck!’ way, but in a general, ‘this is what he was like’ type way. Anyone who knows me will vouch for this, he is and will always be apart of our lives. I owe it to myself, my daughter and his memory to continue talking about him, plus, I still love him, there is so much i’m grateful for in my life, that I owe solely to him, so how could I ever forget him ?

2. Her new husband doesn’t want to know about her past.

Correction: My new husband is so amazing, that he encourages me talking about Nick, mostly because he is a real man, who isn’t intimidated by what happened to us. He wants my daughter to know who her Father was, he doesn’t want to replace him. As my mum has said, Nick will always be her Father, but John my new husband, will be her Parent. I like this and think it rings very true of our situation.

3. Bet she’s taken down all photos and memories of Nick now she’s remarried

Correction: I still have numerous photos of Nick in my house and my husband John, has no problem with them. As mentioned previously, Nick is still apart of our lives, so why wouldn’t he be in our family photos. I was once told having photos of Nick at home was disrespectful to my new partner, I laughed and barely saw this ‘friend’ again.

4. She’s over what happened because she moved on so quickly

Correction: To this I say, there is never a time limit on remarriage. If it was 12 months or 12 years after my husbands passing, I think it would still raise eyebrows either way. Being married again, doesn’t erase my past. It also doesn’t remove any sad moments i’ll ever feel again, it isn’t some magic bandaid solution. There are still times I am sad over what happened, over the thought of my daughter never having had a real connection with her Father, or seeing something I know he would have loved to be apart of, but that’s a widow’s life. Being in a new marriage, does not supersede the previous one.

So really, remarriage was a well thought out decision that was right for my daughter and I. We have entered into a loving, respectful and honest relationship, with someone who adores and cares for my daughter and I, as much as my late husband would have, and anyone who knew Nick, would know, this was all he ever wanted for us.

Til next time, Michela x