Category Archives: A Letter to Nick

Five years ago today

Dear Nick,

5 years ago today, everything changed.

5 years ago today, my world shattered into a million little pieces.

5 years ago today our daughter lost her father.

5 years ago I lost my husband, my best friend, my advisor, my motivator, my life coach, my everything!

In the time that followed your passing, I never thought I could be truly happy again, that I would ever love again, that I would ever be ‘me’ again.

And I was ok with that.

I had such a beautiful, fulfilling life with you, that I thought I’d filled up my love quota. That the love tank was now on empty, having used it up in the 10 years we were together, and I felt truly lucky that we had experienced that. That you chose me to live your short life with.

5 years ago today
Nick

But, what happened next, no one could have predicted. As I’ve always said, I’m so sure you had a hand in it.

because….

In the 5 years since you’ve been gone I got married again to my high school boyfriend and had a baby girl.

In the 5 years since you’ve been gone I’ve found love again, the type to rival any fairytale.

In the 5 years since you’ve been gone I found myself.

In the 5 years since you’ve been gone, I can say life is really good, I have all I need and more.

I still miss you like crazy, I still walk around the house talking to you, I still talk about you Every. Single. Day. You are more apart of our life than most people would believe.

I hope you see how amazing your parents are with the kids. How much the baby adores your Dad, how lucky we are to have them in our life. How accepting your parents have been, how they treat my husband as their own and call him their son in law.

How much closer I’ve become to all of your family and mine in the 5 years since you’ve been gone.

I still have your surname, I feel like it’s my last connection to you. It’s something you gave me, something we shared. I haven’t bought myself to change it yet. My husband is the most understanding, caring guy there is, it has never bothered him that I didn’t take his name when we married. He gets it. I will eventually change it, but I’m in no hurry, I may even keep it and hypen it instead. The options are there!

I wish I could see you, have a real heart to heart, or even just sit in silence with you. What I would give to know what you are thinking now, you always had an opinion on everything!

I wish you could see our baby girl, no longer a baby, but an intelligent, beautiful, thoughtful young girl. Who loves with all her heart. She just lost her first tooth the other week, and I got a little teary, just realising how fast she’s growing and how much you’ve missed out on her.

But I know you see her, I know you walk beside her everyday. How proud you are of her.

So, on this the 5 year anniversary of your death, I’ll light a candle and go through our photo albums, remembering all the good times, the birthdays, the trips, the family functions, the work events, our wedding and of course, the birth of our daughter.

I’ll shed a tear but ultimately i’m just happy we had those years and times together. That I have something so wonderful to look back on, a life with someone as inspirational as you. Who left such a legacy and lasting impression, it makes it hard for me to be mad at you for leaving us, when you left behind so much to be grateful for.

So, Nick I will forever love you and call you my husband (makes for some strange looks when I say that!) We will never forget you, whether it be 5, 10 or 50 years on. I am the person I am today because of you and I am forever in your debt for the gift of life and love you have shown me.

Forever your wife, Michela xxx

To anyone reading this, sorry for my leave of absence, please let me know if you’d like a life update since my last post so long ago!

I still get so many people reading along, though I haven’t written a word in over a year. I get beautiful and some heart breaking emails every week from widows and people all over the world sharing their stories of loss and love with me. It fills me with such light to know Nick’s story has helped so many in their time of need. That when they search for ‘young widow’, or ‘widow story’ or even ‘help, my husband has cancer’ they find my blog and know they’re not alone.

If you want a refresher or to start reading along, you can begin reading from here or if you want to read what happened 5 years ago today, you can find it here now i’m off to paint my nails in memory of Nick, i’m thinking a bright red would be fitting!

til next time xx

 

 

 

 

A Letter To Nick

Today I want to share with you, A Letter To Nick, I hope you enjoy this post.

If you missed my last post about my time following his death, you can read it here and a huge welcome to my new followers, you may want to start reading here at the beginning before continuing on.

A Letter To Nick
Nick

Dear Nick,

It’s been 3 years, 5 months and 19 days since you were physically here with me, yet sometimes it feels like just last week when I saw you.

My memories of you and us and our time together are always at the forefront of my mind and heart. I know you were scared we’d forget you, but I want you to know, not a day goes by, where I don’t speak your name or tell one of your stories.

I wish so much that you were still around to see Claudia grow into the kind, sweet and thoughtful girl she has become. She asks me why you are in heaven and not here? I tell her she’s such a lucky girl to have Daddy in heaven watching out for her, that you had important work to do up there, so you sent John to watch over us here. I tell her she’s so special, because she has two Dads that love her so very much.

Sometimes before bed, she wishes you a goodnight in heaven, but i’m pretty sure you hear her, right? I have never stopped talking to her about you and how much you love her.

You know I never really believed you when you used to tell me you were psychic, and that you saw yourself dying young. You couldn’t tell me how, but you used to say it had to be a car crash or something, because you saw yourself going in your prime, just a feeling you had, sometimes in a dream. I’d tell you to shut up, it wasn’t something that was going to happen!

I’ll tell you now I believe you, it’s just something that seemed so unbelievable then.

Maybe subconsciously you did know you’d be gone too soon, which is why you seemed to accomplish more than most 32 years old’s.

And going on that psychic point, that list you jokingly wrote before you died, with the names of everyone you thought would be there for me and who’d drop off 6 months after you passed away, you were so right!

How could you have known !?

So, I believe you now, maybe you were a little psychic!

Nick, I always put you on a pedestal, you were everything I wasn’t. Smart, confident (sometimes to the point of arrogant!) , successful, ambitious, determined, well liked. You were everything to everyone, an adviser, mentor, confidante, great mate.

You had friends from all walks of life, such was the span of your personality. Always wanting to learn and to better yourself, you used to tell me to ‘surround yourself with people you’d want to be like, to inspire you to be a better person.’ You were the only person I ever needed around, you gave me inspiration by the bucket loads.

In the early 2000’s we’d jokingly sing, ‘I wanna be like Nick’ because you were such a perfectionist all rounder, we teased you, but only because we really did love the way you were.

Though I still stand by what i’ve always said, you just weren’t that funny, though you always thought you were, leave the funny to me, it’s just one thing you didn’t excel in! Sorry!

But, you were always mature beyond your years, I sometimes felt like I was dating a much older guy. When we’d go out to dinner, you’d talk finance and property and i’d do my best to keep up, with all my 24 years of worldly experience!

As time would evolve so did my appreciation of you and your maturity, it’s one of the things I loved about you the most.

I want to thank you for bringing John into our lives. I know you and his Dad orchestrated this whole thing, i’m sure my grandfather approved of it too. Please say hi to them from us. Don’t act coy about it, there is no other explanation of how we’ve come to be, and I know you still have a sneaky hand in what goes on around here!

I see the white feathers you leave around the house for me, I know you left one at my bedroom door on the day of my wedding, it gave me such a sense of peace knowing you were here for me, just your way of dropping in and saying hi on my most special day.

I feel when you’re around us, which these days is much less than before, but I always appreciate you popping by. Claudia used to tell me about the times you’d play with her in her room, she still mentions it now.

And my sister wants to thank you for getting Marcus to sleep in his big boy bed last year, it truly surprised us all, when he said ‘Uncle Nick says it’s time for me to sleep in my own bed’. He was only 9 months when you died, but he still has a strong connection to you. Though you were always concerned he was a little too roly poly, he has since grown into a handsome little boy, with no weight issues!!

Our families are all well, we talk about you often. I still see your Aunt and Uncle and your cousins, who have all been so accepting of John into our families. They have been so welcoming, even in their immense grief over losing you, they haven’t given me any trouble over my new relationship, not ever! For that, I thank them for being so understanding and generous.

I try my best to be with your parents as much as possible. They still have Claudia once a week for the day and that keeps them entertained, they always look forward to her visits. They still mourn and miss you, as we all do, but I notice some improvements, though they’ll never fully recover from losing you, they do the best they can, to continue to live every day without you. They have also taken John into their lives so seamlessly, you’d be so proud of them!

I saw you in my dream last night, dressed all in white (weird I know, it’s not like you were ever in a boy band!) you were sitting with a laptop reading The Polished Widow, you told me it was ‘spot on’, everything was how you remembered and you told me how proud you were of me. Strange, but I woke up straight after it, feeling like it really was your way of reaching out to me, if it was, message received, thank you.

i love you more now than ever, but it’s because you don’t leave your dirty clothes on the bathroom floor anymore, or give me a hard time for wearing nail polish! You’re the perfect husband, I get to focus only on how much I miss you everyday instead.

Finally, Nick although I am married again, you know I will never forget you. You made me the woman I am today, because of you I have learnt to appreciate life and to live everyday fully. You reminded me that family is so important and that  a handful of good friends is all you’ll ever need. You told me you had faith in me, that I could do this without you and still be a good mum to Claudia (don’t judge me because I give her fairy bread for breakfast some days!)

I do my very best to make you proud of us everyday. Not a decision is made without me thinking, ‘what would Nick do?’, you’re still influencing me in the best possible way.

Loving you always, in this life and beyond,

your wife and widow, Michela xxx

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