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7 years on….

Hey there, it’s been a quick minute since I last posted (actually like 10 months) but we’ll skip over that and i’ll just get to the point.

Today marks 7 years since Nick passed away. Yep, I know what you’re thinking, ‘already 7 years’, ‘that’s gone quickly’ and ‘why am i reading this, who’s Nick?’

Well, keep reading….

I won’t go over the same things I wrote about on his 6 years gone by post, you can read it by clicking here or what I wrote for his 5 year anniversary post, you can find it here.

And on the odd chance you just stumbled here, click here to know a bit more about Nick’s story.

I’ve spent time today going through the hours of footage Nick left us, going about his everyday life during his treatment and it’s after effects, to his monologues for our then baby girl, of what he wanted her to be in life, ‘kind, thoughtful, patient and beautiful, just like your mum’,  his own words, I swear!

Of course, she has become all those things and more, and she is way more beautiful at 8, than I could ever be!

On reflecting on the past 7 years, it makes me extra grateful to have these clips of him. They remind me of his being a perfectionist, with a video he filmed of himself trimming our garden hedge, his dedication to his work life with the many clips of him talking to his work mates and of course his love for us and our families, with so many of him talking about everyone and what they meant to him.

I’m grateful for these videos, for a selfish reason too, because i’m scared as the years go on, that my memories won’t be as sharp.

That I’ll forget about the time we first stated dating and he wore the dorkiest sandals to the beach, or the fact he secretly loved Britney Spears and would play her albums over and over in his car, or how complimentary he always was about what I wore and how vocal he was about what we ate for dinner.

The Funeral - The Final Goodbye - part 2
Nicks memorial card

Will I remember the names of his mentors from work who he spoke about constantly, wanting to emulate their career paths. He had such respect for those who had come before him, telling me he’d be just like them and better one day.

I’ll always remember the way he had of talking to you, when he was trying to get a point across. It was both parts demanding and motivating, all at once. Sometimes during these lectures, I’d zone out but gosh, I wish I’d recorded some of these chats to replay to myself now. Those are the things I wish I remembered verbatim.

Will I always remember the look on his face, when he told me about his terminal cancer diagnosis, unfortunately yes, that look still haunts me. His blank stare, trying to be brave, but holding back tears. The questions hanging in the air between us, with no answers.

Will I remember what his first car was, what his first pet’s name was, what his favourite memory from school was, what he wanted to be when he was a kid?

The many conversations we had over the years aren’t all stored in my memory, and after 10 years together and 7 years since he’s been gone, i’m getting a little rusty and it scares me.

Luckily, I have so many videos and photos of our time together, just one picture will take me back to that time in place, the start of a video will remind me of that part of our lives.

For as crazy as people thought it was to document his treatment, it has turned into the best memory I have of him. It’s real, honest and raw in every way, but it’s Nick in all his glory showing his strength and bravery when the world was so against him.

He is sorely missed, not just today but everyday. He is still spoken about, not just sometimes, but every single day and he is loved, not just while he was with us, but every day since he’s been gone too.

Thanks for reading along, til next time, whenever that might be?!?

Michela xx

 

They said what ??

Welcome back to my next post of 2017, see I kinda promised to keep it going and here we are.

If you missed my post from the other week, you can click on it here.

But, now onto this weeks thoughts…

Firstly, if it wasn’t hard enough losing my husband at 30, worse still, was that I apparently did not receive my copy of the ‘how to grieve and move on after loss, in order to not offend or disturb anyone else’s life‘ handbook.

I mean really, that could have saved so many other people their sleepless nights, worrying about what I was doing, right?

Apparently how I dealt with Nick’s passing, had such an impact on how others treated me and definitely what they thought of me. I’ve written numerous times about how I felt I didn’t grieve properly, based on societies expectations.

I didn’t have a breakdown, I didn’t cry for days on end, I didn’t wear black, I returned to work fairly quickly and worse still I remarried. Oh the horror!

And because of all these things and many more, you can catch up on some of what i’ve already written by clicking here and  here for my funeral posts, I found myself constantly being watched for when they all assumed, the final straw would break me and it would make everyone else feel better to finally see the young widow inconsolable.

That was all in the early days post Nick’s passing but truth be told, I still faced judgement over my life decisions long past it.

When my now husband and I started dating, I constantly heard that it was ‘too soon’, ‘it wasn’t appropriate yet’, and ‘that I should wait a while before I told anyone’.

But what is the rule on how long before exploring a new relationship, because again, I didn’t get the handbook???

I have no idea why it impacted anyone else, I was still mourning the loss of my husband, I felt ‘relationship guilt’ for seeing someone else, who by the way, was very respectful of my situation, and I was also beginning to find my new normal and that was all ok with me.

Luckily for me, my own family and even Nick’s were very supportive, and this made things a lot smoother.

But once ‘friends’ found out, they suddenly distanced themselves from me. Apparently, ‘they couldn’t see me with anyone else’, ‘it didn’t feel right to them‘, ‘they were sure, Nick wouldn’t be happy’, and ‘they would never do what I was doing.’ All of these things were nonsense and those that knew Nick, knew he wanted me to be happy.

And my favourite comment, ‘Nick would be turning in his grave if he knew’, what a crappy thing to say to a widow!! And what does it even mean?!? I’ve also heard, ‘he’d be doing cartwheels’, let me assure you, he wasn’t that agile. I’d like to think he’d be giving himself a high 5 instead, over how great it’s all worked out.

All of these comments and judgement were never helpful, it just made me question my friendships and what I was doing, even though I knew it wasn’t wrong. And yes, these things were said to my face, not behind closed doors.

Hard to imagine, right?

And because of this, most of those friends never took the time to get to know my now husband, choosing instead to just fade from our lives with their own small minded opinions about us, including that I must have never loved Nick because I have now replaced him?!?

Oh yeah, that must be why I still have his photos up and write this blog talking about him.

I’ve had widows write me to say they found their next love within months of their partner’s passing, and another widow who writes me often, who suggests within 12 months most of his widowed friends had new partners but then I know another widow who has hidden her boyfriend for years to please her strict family.

What people need to understand is there is no time limit and for the most part, the widow is probably already questioning themselves enough, without the added interference of those around them.

Isn’t it wonderful that people who have gone through such a loss, can have a second chance at love again. Isn’t that worth being supportive. You may not understand the situation, but while you sit on the couch next to your partner watching The Real Housewives of wherever, maybe spare a thought for the friend of yours, widowed or even just single, sitting home wondering if they’ll be alone forever.

But ultimately, I choose to forgive the stupid comments and move forward with my life at my own pace, like Mother Teresa said, ‘if we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive’.

You don’t need to be a widow or have a friend go through this type of loss, the message is simple, keep your judgement to yourself. Most of what you say, will get back to whoever you’re talking about, and it will be hurtful. And like the old saying goes, ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say….’ well, you get the point.

Thanks for reading along and allowing me to brain dump my thoughts into something legible again.

And I’d love to hear your thoughts on this, so write me and let me know.

Til next time, Michela xx

 

So, i’m a widow…

Welcome to The Polished Widow and my very first entry! Yay!

My name is Michela on the 5th February, 2011, I became a 30 year old widow & single mum. My husband was fit and healthy, when he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, 7 months later he was gone. I was literally, left holding the baby, our daughter was 12 months old.

Friends, family and even people i barely know, have complimented me on my ‘handling’ of the situation, how i remained sane and the amazing outlook & perspective on life i’ve had since.

Don’t get me wrong there were times of sadness and anger, but mostly i have been very accepting of the hand we were dealt and Nick’s death has always been something i thought ‘just had to be’. I strongly believe (God, the universe, insert whatever your belief here!) will only give you what you can handle in life.

I have a sometimes strange sense of humour, and i think this has been my way of dealing at times. I tend to use humour when I’m nervous, sad, happy, actually pretty frequently! Some people may think jokes at a funeral aren’t appropriate, i think when they are burying your husband, you get to do what you like! Nervously laugh on, i say!

In this blog, i will be documenting some of the weirder things people have said, situations that occurred and bits about my life in general, both past & present, including things ive discovered about myself along the way, like my love of nail polish, oh and my inner strength too!

Until next time, here’s a pic of me in my previous life with my husband Nick.

image

I’d love this to be interactive, so please leave a comment, drop me an email, ask questions and subscribe to my blog!

Til next time, Michela x