Five years ago today

Dear Nick,

5 years ago today, everything changed.

5 years ago today, my world shattered into a million little pieces.

5 years ago today our daughter lost her father.

5 years ago I lost my husband, my best friend, my advisor, my motivator, my life coach, my everything!

In the time that followed your passing, I never thought I could be truly happy again, that I would ever love again, that I would ever be ‘me’ again.

And I was ok with that.

I had such a beautiful, fulfilling life with you, that I thought I’d filled up my love quota. That the love tank was now on empty, having used it up in the 10 years we were together, and I felt truly lucky that we had experienced that. That you chose me to live your short life with.

5 years ago today
Nick

But, what happened next, no one could have predicted. As I’ve always said, I’m so sure you had a hand in it.

because….

In the 5 years since you’ve been gone I got married again to my high school boyfriend and had a baby girl.

In the 5 years since you’ve been gone I’ve found love again, the type to rival any fairytale.

In the 5 years since you’ve been gone I found myself.

In the 5 years since you’ve been gone, I can say life is really good, I have all I need and more.

I still miss you like crazy, I still walk around the house talking to you, I still talk about you Every. Single. Day. You are more apart of our life than most people would believe.

I hope you see how amazing your parents are with the kids. How much the baby adores your Dad, how lucky we are to have them in our life. How accepting your parents have been, how they treat my husband as their own and call him their son in law.

How much closer I’ve become to all of your family and mine in the 5 years since you’ve been gone.

I still have your surname, I feel like it’s my last connection to you. It’s something you gave me, something we shared. I haven’t bought myself to change it yet. My husband is the most understanding, caring guy there is, it has never bothered him that I didn’t take his name when we married. He gets it. I will eventually change it, but I’m in no hurry, I may even keep it and hypen it instead. The options are there!

I wish I could see you, have a real heart to heart, or even just sit in silence with you. What I would give to know what you are thinking now, you always had an opinion on everything!

I wish you could see our baby girl, no longer a baby, but an intelligent, beautiful, thoughtful young girl. Who loves with all her heart. She just lost her first tooth the other week, and I got a little teary, just realising how fast she’s growing and how much you’ve missed out on her.

But I know you see her, I know you walk beside her everyday. How proud you are of her.

So, on this the 5 year anniversary of your death, I’ll light a candle and go through our photo albums, remembering all the good times, the birthdays, the trips, the family functions, the work events, our wedding and of course, the birth of our daughter.

I’ll shed a tear but ultimately i’m just happy we had those years and times together. That I have something so wonderful to look back on, a life with someone as inspirational as you. Who left such a legacy and lasting impression, it makes it hard for me to be mad at you for leaving us, when you left behind so much to be grateful for.

So, Nick I will forever love you and call you my husband (makes for some strange looks when I say that!) We will never forget you, whether it be 5, 10 or 50 years on. I am the person I am today because of you and I am forever in your debt for the gift of life and love you have shown me.

Forever your wife, Michela xxx

To anyone reading this, sorry for my leave of absence, please let me know if you’d like a life update since my last post so long ago!

I still get so many people reading along, though I haven’t written a word in over a year. I get beautiful and some heart breaking emails every week from widows and people all over the world sharing their stories of loss and love with me. It fills me with such light to know Nick’s story has helped so many in their time of need. That when they search for ‘young widow’, or ‘widow story’ or even ‘help, my husband has cancer’ they find my blog and know they’re not alone.

If you want a refresher or to start reading along, you can begin reading from here or if you want to read what happened 5 years ago today, you can find it here now i’m off to paint my nails in memory of Nick, i’m thinking a bright red would be fitting!

til next time xx

 

 

 

 

26 thoughts on “Five years ago today

  1. Hi,
    I stumbled across your blog after searching “young widow” on Google. Two weeks ago by dear husband passed away, he was only 35. He was suffering with Common Variable Immunodeficiency, an illness which despite having “common” in its name, is in fact very rare, affecting only 1 in 500,000 people.
    I also feel very grateful and privileged that he chose me to spend his short life with, we were together for almost 10 years, married for 8 and a half. He was my best friend, my mentor, best motivator.
    We didn’t have children which is bittersweet. On one hand, I would love for a piece of Kevin to live on, but I know that a life of a child without a dad would be difficult.
    I do admire your attitude towards life and I hope to get there one day myself.

    Thank you for sharing your story.
    All the best.
    Dominika
    Xx

  2. Dear Michela, I was thrilled to see your latest post! It has been ages and I’ve thought about you often… I am so very happy to see you have made a new life for yourself and I’m sure Nick is so very proud and happy for you as well! Be well Michela… I wish you nothing but love, happiness and lots of laughter!
    Melissa (aka A Soul Midwife)

  3. Thank you for sharing. It was five years for me in January. I have been given the gift of love and companionship again too, and we are engaged to be married this summer. I used to write a lot too, but drifted away from it this past year. Every widower I got to know through my writing, has either married again, or otherwise begun to move forward too. Life is so different today compared to those terribly dark first few years. What a journey it has been.

    1. Hi Glenn, congratulations on your wedding, what wonderful news. Yes, life is so different and we all deserve another chance at life and love. Wishing you and your new wife a lifetime of happiness together, you are a lucky man!

  4. Michela, “life is 1% what happens to you and 99% the way you react to it,” keep living life looking to the future and reflect on love, life and learning’s of the past. Onwards and upwards, Martin…..

  5. Beautiful post, cried all the way through it. Great to hear things are well.
    Regards. Gary Thomas (Toyota)

  6. So good to here from you and so glad that you are happy congratulations on your new baby girl take care and hope you continue to post xx

  7. Loved every word you said you are an inspirational woman you have made Nick so proud .Congratulations on your Wedding and the birth of your baby girl wishing you all the best for the future enjoy every moment looking forward to hear more of your new journey xx

  8. Yet another beautiful piece. You’re a true inspiration and such a strong woman. Thinking of you and that precious girl. Looking forward to hearing an update. xx

  9. I love reading your blog and I’m freaking out cause I was thinking of it yesterday and wondering if you will write one again (not even knowing it was a 5 year mark) and this morning I woke to this. You wonder whether this means something??? Anyway I’m so glad how your life is going and I love reading so would love to hear more when you get the chance.

  10. That’s was so beautiful just shows are much of a great person you are, you inspire me so much xxx

  11. This was a lovely tribute… I am not sure about wether or not you will continue your blog it seems that to continue it, it would need to morph and focus on your new life. But as one the people who eyes fought back tears while reading about the time you cried in the shower it would be nice to read about your baby girl who you have. And while she has nothing to do with your 1st husband at the same time she has evwrything to do with him.
    Good luck sweetheart you deserve it
    Dora

  12. Beautiful Michela, Nick is never forgotten, I talked to him on my way home still as I used to ! Ask him advice still ? . Bless you and your beautiful family , you deserve all the love and happiness in the world, hope to catch up this year, love and kisses always Helen xxx

  13. So so beautiful, and so lovely to hear from you again. You are an amazing women and both your husbands were/are so lucky to have you as their wife. Good luck for the future, and wishing you all lots more happiness and loving days.

  14. What a lovely surprise to see yet another beautiful post from you! Loved, loved, loved it. Please keep writing. I was laughing yet with tears in my eyes at the same time! I could read your blog all day and night, your writing is so warm and comforting. You truly are an incredible woman!

  15. Michela I read this the moment I received the notification. Another amazing read and I shared a tear with you. You are an amazing women!!

  16. So pleased that life has been kind to you since the loss of your husband, great to have an update. Love to you and your family. X

  17. I love reading your story and I’m so blessed to have the pleasure of knowing you and your beautiful family. Nick would be so proud of the women you are but especially the mother you are too the girls.

  18. Hi Michela, it is so lovely to hear from you again. I cannot express just how happy I am that you have found love again and congratulations on your new baby daughter. Please continue with your amazing posts. You are truly an inspiration

  19. Just beautiful darling but it did make me cry heaps but happy tears for you all what beautiful in laws they support you and I’m happy for that cause that’s the way life should be when we are dealt with a passing of a cherished love one sending you heaps of blessings for all your family ??
    Ange (jade and Tasha mum )

  20. Michela, as always, I loved reading every word you wrote and feeling your experiences through a screen. You just put things into perspective, even after a year of not writing. You are a credit and inspiration to your past, your late husband, your current husband, and your 2 beautiful girls! A huge congratulations goes to you, your hubby, and your daughter on the birth of yet another baby girl! I hope to hear more about your journeys over the last year.

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