A Letter To Nick

Today I want to share with you, A Letter To Nick, I hope you enjoy this post.

If you missed my last post about my time following his death, you can read it here and a huge welcome to my new followers, you may want to start reading here at the beginning before continuing on.

A Letter To Nick
Nick

Dear Nick,

It’s been 3 years, 5 months and 19 days since you were physically here with me, yet sometimes it feels like just last week when I saw you.

My memories of you and us and our time together are always at the forefront of my mind and heart. I know you were scared we’d forget you, but I want you to know, not a day goes by, where I don’t speak your name or tell one of your stories.

I wish so much that you were still around to see Claudia grow into the kind, sweet and thoughtful girl she has become. She asks me why you are in heaven and not here? I tell her she’s such a lucky girl to have Daddy in heaven watching out for her, that you had important work to do up there, so you sent John to watch over us here. I tell her she’s so special, because she has two Dads that love her so very much.

Sometimes before bed, she wishes you a goodnight in heaven, but i’m pretty sure you hear her, right? I have never stopped talking to her about you and how much you love her.

You know I never really believed you when you used to tell me you were psychic, and that you saw yourself dying young. You couldn’t tell me how, but you used to say it had to be a car crash or something, because you saw yourself going in your prime, just a feeling you had, sometimes in a dream. I’d tell you to shut up, it wasn’t something that was going to happen!

I’ll tell you now I believe you, it’s just something that seemed so unbelievable then.

Maybe subconsciously you did know you’d be gone too soon, which is why you seemed to accomplish more than most 32 years old’s.

And going on that psychic point, that list you jokingly wrote before you died, with the names of everyone you thought would be there for me and who’d drop off 6 months after you passed away, you were so right!

How could you have known !?

So, I believe you now, maybe you were a little psychic!

Nick, I always put you on a pedestal, you were everything I wasn’t. Smart, confident (sometimes to the point of arrogant!) , successful, ambitious, determined, well liked. You were everything to everyone, an adviser, mentor, confidante, great mate.

You had friends from all walks of life, such was the span of your personality. Always wanting to learn and to better yourself, you used to tell me to ‘surround yourself with people you’d want to be like, to inspire you to be a better person.’ You were the only person I ever needed around, you gave me inspiration by the bucket loads.

In the early 2000’s we’d jokingly sing, ‘I wanna be like Nick’ because you were such a perfectionist all rounder, we teased you, but only because we really did love the way you were.

Though I still stand by what i’ve always said, you just weren’t that funny, though you always thought you were, leave the funny to me, it’s just one thing you didn’t excel in! Sorry!

But, you were always mature beyond your years, I sometimes felt like I was dating a much older guy. When we’d go out to dinner, you’d talk finance and property and i’d do my best to keep up, with all my 24 years of worldly experience!

As time would evolve so did my appreciation of you and your maturity, it’s one of the things I loved about you the most.

I want to thank you for bringing John into our lives. I know you and his Dad orchestrated this whole thing, i’m sure my grandfather approved of it too. Please say hi to them from us. Don’t act coy about it, there is no other explanation of how we’ve come to be, and I know you still have a sneaky hand in what goes on around here!

I see the white feathers you leave around the house for me, I know you left one at my bedroom door on the day of my wedding, it gave me such a sense of peace knowing you were here for me, just your way of dropping in and saying hi on my most special day.

I feel when you’re around us, which these days is much less than before, but I always appreciate you popping by. Claudia used to tell me about the times you’d play with her in her room, she still mentions it now.

And my sister wants to thank you for getting Marcus to sleep in his big boy bed last year, it truly surprised us all, when he said ‘Uncle Nick says it’s time for me to sleep in my own bed’. He was only 9 months when you died, but he still has a strong connection to you. Though you were always concerned he was a little too roly poly, he has since grown into a handsome little boy, with no weight issues!!

Our families are all well, we talk about you often. I still see your Aunt and Uncle and your cousins, who have all been so accepting of John into our families. They have been so welcoming, even in their immense grief over losing you, they haven’t given me any trouble over my new relationship, not ever! For that, I thank them for being so understanding and generous.

I try my best to be with your parents as much as possible. They still have Claudia once a week for the day and that keeps them entertained, they always look forward to her visits. They still mourn and miss you, as we all do, but I notice some improvements, though they’ll never fully recover from losing you, they do the best they can, to continue to live every day without you. They have also taken John into their lives so seamlessly, you’d be so proud of them!

I saw you in my dream last night, dressed all in white (weird I know, it’s not like you were ever in a boy band!) you were sitting with a laptop reading The Polished Widow, you told me it was ‘spot on’, everything was how you remembered and you told me how proud you were of me. Strange, but I woke up straight after it, feeling like it really was your way of reaching out to me, if it was, message received, thank you.

i love you more now than ever, but it’s because you don’t leave your dirty clothes on the bathroom floor anymore, or give me a hard time for wearing nail polish! You’re the perfect husband, I get to focus only on how much I miss you everyday instead.

Finally, Nick although I am married again, you know I will never forget you. You made me the woman I am today, because of you I have learnt to appreciate life and to live everyday fully. You reminded me that family is so important and that  a handful of good friends is all you’ll ever need. You told me you had faith in me, that I could do this without you and still be a good mum to Claudia (don’t judge me because I give her fairy bread for breakfast some days!)

I do my very best to make you proud of us everyday. Not a decision is made without me thinking, ‘what would Nick do?’, you’re still influencing me in the best possible way.

Loving you always, in this life and beyond,

your wife and widow, Michela xxx

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22 thoughts on “A Letter To Nick

  1. I love reading your posts. My husband recently passed at 38 and he knew he wouldn’t live to be old either. He didn’t know what would happen but he knew he’d never be old. Funny thing is, I always joked that I was psychic about silly things, but I never saw this coming. After reading your past posts, I’m glad I found this. I’ve had similar thoughts and experiences to yours and it’s nice (as weird as that sounds) to see I’m not alone in this. Thank you for posting!

    1. Hi Jill,
      firstly, i’m sorry for your loss, being a widow is difficult, I hope you have the support you need at this time. I’m so happy to hear you have found my blog and find some comfort in it, I wish I had something like this when I was first widowed, I felt so strange and alone, like not crying at his funeral was such a weird thing, or feeling him around us was too. What a coincidence, that both our husbands had that feeling that they would die young, I believe them now, if only we did then, right? Who would have guessed!
      Feel free to write me anytime, I hope you continue to read along and get something out of my post.
      Michela xx

      1. Thanks for responding! Your post about not crying at the funeral, etc. is what made me decide I needed to keep up w/ your posts. I thought, Wow, that was me! My husband died 2 months ago and I’m so thankful I have family in town. My husband always felt like something was wrong with him and never knew what it was and couldn’t explain it so he thought there was no point in going to see a doctor. He died at home while I was at work. He had a problem with his heart that no one knew about and didn’t find until they did a full autopsy. I think him telling me he wouldn’t live to be old has helped me, he wanted me to be prepared even though he didn’t know this would happen this soon. Thanks again, your posts make me feel like I am handling this in a “normal” way even though I’m not sitting home crying all day, every day, like people “think” you might be doing. Jill

  2. Wow thanks for sharing!!! Such a lovely heartfelt letter Nick must be do proud at how you’ve managed to move through this yet he is still part of your lives every day! Xxx

    1. Thank you Kate, I think he’d be proud of me too, would love to know what he’d write back to me if he could! I’m sure he’d have a few things to say.
      Thanks for always reading along and writing me xxx

      1. Ha ha I know what you mean I’m sure he would too! Hope you’re all keeping well lovely as always to get your reply! Looking forward as always to the next entry in your blog!

        Kate x

      2. Ps coming I’m in England and haven’t got the slightest idea what fairy bread is? Please could you fill me in as it sounds divine and sure my kids would love it!! X

        1. Ha! I forget that not everyone would know what that is, pretty simple really, just white bread with butter and sprinkles (or what we call 100’s and 1000’s) I think the name gets the kids every time.. they love it, let me know if you try it with yours! xx

  3. Lovely letter Chel! You really are the funnier of the two of you, he just always thought he was the king of comedy!

  4. Dear Mihela,
    Since it had registered in the back of my mind that your Nick and my Peter both died the same year, at first I was startled by the numbers at the beginning of your letter. I thought, no, it hasn’t been three years yet! Then I heard my sister’s voice in my head, teasing me, as only my sister ever could, about trying to do math in my head, so I started counting on my fingers: 2 years, 8 months, 11 days – obviously Nick died at the beginning of the year and Peter at the end of the same year.
    Yet – as ever – there is so much that resonates with me in your letter to Nick. Sometimes it worries me when I have a feeling that Peter’s presence is starting to fade, but then he “pops up” again somewhere unexpected. During the first year after his death, I kept hearing Van Morrison’s “Have I Told You Lately That I Love You” unexpectedly – on a radio in the back of a warehouse, blaring out from a passing car, my own music player on random … – but always at the most appropriate moment, just when I needed it. Invariably it made me start to cry and laugh at the same time, until I could quietly tell Peter in my heart, “It’s ok, love, thanks, I can cope now.” That song doesn’t seem to come up so often now, but maybe that just means I don’t need it as much.
    Peter’s youngest godchild was only three when Peter died, and I felt a bit sad to think that he would probably not be able to retain a conscious memory of Peter, that over the years, Peter would become just a picture hanging on the wall in his home, in my home, in the homes of other friends, although there are more than enough people happy to tell him stories about himself and Peter together. About a year after Peter died, though, the little boy’s mother told me she found him standing quietly by the window one day, and when she asked what he was doing, he said, “I want to blow a kiss way beyond the forest to where Peter is now.” This little boy was such an important person in Peter’s life, and they had such a wonderful, joyful relationship – perhaps it’s best not to underestimate even very small children’s capacities for relationships.

    With all best wishes from one widow to another,
    Aileen

    1. Hi Aileen,
      Thank you for sharing with me, makes me feels a bit better knowing i’m not the only widow to still feel the presence of their late husband. It’s never eerie either, just comforting, as i’m sure you’ll agree. I love that you used to hear ‘Have I told you lately’ that’s so beautiful. I do believe they have a way of contacting us through these little signs and also through the young, like his godchild. There is no other explanation and I don’t think it’s because they are unhappy, as i’ve had people tell me, I feel Nick is very at peace and isn’t angry, just popping in to say hi occasionally. But, I agree with you, they pop in less as time goes on and we still to be ok.
      Thank you so much for reading along and writing me, I always enjoy hearing from you and your experiences.
      Michela xx

  5. Another beautiful post chel, I love everything you’ve written, except the bit where you said nick was everything you weren’t!! You are also all of what you said nick was and more, your also a wonderful loving caring mother, who’s doing a great job with Claudia, even the fairy bread – we all do things we feel we shouldn’t be sometimes :-), and ur also a great friend and great company.
    I love how reading this also makes us, whom have never met nick, feel like we know him, so when Claudia is old enough, she will really feel as if she knows him, you’re definitely not leaving any stone unturned. And she is a gorgeous girl, I was looking at her the other day while they were getting their bags and I could just see a little girl copy of nick and I thought it must feel so comforting that a part of him lives on in her. (again another one of those thing that I believe happens for a reason).
    Thanks for sharing your heart and story, the sad and happy. We love it xoxoxo
    Love me

    1. Thank you Sel! I love reading your comments, yes, Claudia is a little Nick, especially when she’s being a pain and I can blame it on her likeness to her Dad, but mostly, it’s true she has so many of his characteristics! I would love to know what he’d write back to me if he could, im sure the fairy bread would come up, he’d be a stickler for that, but overall, I think he’d be pleased with how life turned out for us!
      Michela xxxx

  6. Oh Michela, it really is a beautiful post! It’s still very raw for you and you can feel it in your writing. Your writing, stories, and memory of Nick keep him very much alive. I love that he has been visiting you and your daughter and your family since his passing. Reading your posts about Nick make me feel like I know him in some weird way without ever having met him and it’s his character that is the kind that should live on forever. I am also reminded of my life and loved ones and that even though life is not perfect or how I pictured it would be, it’s still very much special and even more so the people that I get to share it with. It takes a very special someone to leave a huge impact on everyone’s lives, especially in the afterlife and without personally meeting people. Thank you!

    1. Hi Michelle,
      Thank you, yes, he was a special person, who even long after his passing, is still making an impact, both in my life and those like yourself, who he never met. He would be thrilled to know his life has had such a positive impact through this blog, showing that life is special and short and like you say, not always as we pictured.
      Thank you for reading along
      Michela xx

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