Tag Archives: accepting

Husbands, the new and the old

So, today’s post is a slight step away from the course of my story, but after last weekend’s late (and quick) post, which you can read here, it bought up many questions about my new husband, so I thought i’d talk a little about him today in Husbands, the new and the old.

Many people have started reading along half way through this, and have missed that I have actually remarried since Nick’s passing.

I wrote a post about a widow’s view on remarriage, which you can read here, if you’ve missed it. (Albeit, it was only my 4th post and still not something I was thinking of sharing publicly at that time)

So, here goes….

I remarried on January 11, 2014 to a wonderful man named John. He has never been married before or had children of his own.

Husbands, the new and the old
Photo courtesy of Kane Jarrod Photography

He is so supportive of both this blog and me talking about Nick, sometimes a lot!

He understands the situation and has never once told me to ‘get over him’ or to ‘stop talking about Nick’ or to ‘take down all his photo’s’, in fact, our walls are still adorned with photos of Nick, now with just a few of us interspersed between them.

Also importantly, he adores Claudia and treats her as his own, while still mentioning her Dad and taking her on trips to the cemetery to visit him.

John has never tried to replace Nick, nor would I want him too. They are polar opposites of each other and that’s what I love about him because I could never replace Nick, he was one of a kind.

I honestly believe Nick had a hand in John and I being together, because we actually dated as teens back in 1997, and then lost touch for over 13 years, before finding each other again. Weird, right ?

Husbands, the new and the old
Us in 1997

John and I first dated when we were just 16, we were inseparable for over 2 years til we broke up in 1999, wanting some time a part, but staying good friends.

I was introduced to Nick in around 2001, he was smitten with me instantly and being so persistent, before long we were dating.

In September 2003, Nick proposed, I called John to tell him my news. He was gutted because he always thought we’d get back together again one day.

Clearly, those dreams were dashed! He told me then, that it was best if we didn’t speak anymore out of respect to Nick and our future together.

I guess I agreed and from then on, we lost touch. Though I always wondered what he was doing and how life played out for him.

He was after all my first love.

Nick always knew about John. I’d speak about him from time to time, wondering what he was up to. Though they never actually met, expect for a brief hello at the front of a kebab van one night, true story!

One time we drove 4 hours to meet Nick’s ex, because he thought we would be great friends, that didn’t quite work out as he planned!! But the point of this story is, we never shied away from talking about our pasts, because they form apart of who you are and Nick was never a jealous guy.

Over the years John heard i’d had a baby and later that Nick had cancer and had passed away. In his words, he said, ‘he was so sorry for me but didn’t know what to do’, it had been so long since we’d spoken.

In the same year that Nick passed, I heard that John’s Dad had died, also from cancer, my heart broke for his family and for his mum, who like me, was now a widow. But, like John, I did nothing, still in my own world of grief.

Sometime the next year, I decided to write a condolence card to John’s mum. That card stayed in my car for the following 3 months, til one night out with my girlfriend Cathryn, she asked about it and said ‘that’s it, we’re mailing that card tonight!’ and we did.

The next morning John’s mum called me, thrilled to hear from me, saying John has never forgotten you, you have to see each other again.

I wasn’t looking for a new relationship, I definitely didn’t think this would turn into a marriage.

The rest as they say is history, or as some have said, ‘meant to be’.

I like to say I was lazy and just recycled my last boyfriend! (just kidding!)

  • I have never regretted John and I splitting up when we were younger, because I never would have met Nick and been on the most amazing journey with him.
  • Nick and I were meant to be together for that time, to learn and grow and for me to be with him through his illness. For Nick to teach me about life and love and to shape me into the person I am today. I am eternally gratefully to Nick for everything.
  • Being remarried does not mean I have forgotten my past, in fact I sometimes feel like I have two husbands

I also have to add, as easy an addition as John is to our world, it hasn’t all been a positive experience for him.

I have had friends say, while they are happy to still be friends with me, they don’t want to get to know my new husband.

To this I say, if you can’t acknowledge my future, then you don’t have a place in my life.

For friends to say ‘out of respect to Nick’ they don’t want to know John, then it’s their loss, because Nick wouldn’t want that either.

While I understand it may be ‘weird’ for some to see me with someone new, I have managed to be in a place where i’m very comfortable with it, so please don’t project your own insecurities on me.

On the plus side, our little blended family all get along so well. My two mother in laws send each other food, I can have everyone over my place at the same time and John gets along so well with Nick’s parents and extended family, I couldn’t have hoped for a better situation.

In particular John and Nick’s Dad have hit it off. I like to think it’s because one has lost their son and the other their Dad and they somehow make up for it when they’re together. They laugh and joke like they’ve known each other forever, it’s beautiful to see.

I’ve also been so lucky to have John’s family take Claudia and I into their world and be so wonderful and accommodating. I’m excited to have new cousins and family and a mother in law, that is also one of my closest friends.

So, to those people that don’t want to know John or who have a problem with me moving forward, I say, if all my family can be so accepting of me marrying again, what’s your excuse ?

I truly believe Nick is content with the situation, he always wanted me to be happy, and I am. I couldn’t have wished for a more loving, understanding and patient new husband, than I have in John.

Also, it needs to be mentioned, that although everyone thinks it’s been difficult for me having a new partner, and at times it was, not much credit is given to John for walking into our world.

For accepting that Nick is still apart of our lives and that I still love him dearly. John has taken on the responsibility of being an instant Father with a wife who still talks about her previous husband.

There aren’t too many men I know, who would be man enough to take all this on, but he does it without a word of complaint and if that’s not true love, I don’t know what is!

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this post!

Thanks again to everyone who’s commenting and sharing on social media. 

Still so touched that people are reading along, thank you!!

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Til next week, Michela xx

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