Today I want to share with you, A Letter To Nick, I hope you enjoy this post.
It’s been 3 years, 5 months and 19 days since you were physically here with me, yet sometimes it feels like just last week when I saw you.
My memories of you and us and our time together are always at the forefront of my mind and heart. I know you were scared we’d forget you, but I want you to know, not a day goes by, where I don’t speak your name or tell one of your stories.
I wish so much that you were still around to see Claudia grow into the kind, sweet and thoughtful girl she has become. She asks me why you are in heaven and not here? I tell her she’s such a lucky girl to have Daddy in heaven watching out for her, that you had important work to do up there, so you sent John to watch over us here. I tell her she’s so special, because she has two Dads that love her so very much.
Sometimes before bed, she wishes you a goodnight in heaven, but i’m pretty sure you hear her, right? I have never stopped talking to her about you and how much you love her.
You know I never really believed you when you used to tell me you were psychic, and that you saw yourself dying young. You couldn’t tell me how, but you used to say it had to be a car crash or something, because you saw yourself going in your prime, just a feeling you had, sometimes in a dream. I’d tell you to shut up, it wasn’t something that was going to happen!
I’ll tell you now I believe you, it’s just something that seemed so unbelievable then.
Maybe subconsciously you did know you’d be gone too soon, which is why you seemed to accomplish more than most 32 years old’s.
And going on that psychic point, that list you jokingly wrote before you died, with the names of everyone you thought would be there for me and who’d drop off 6 months after you passed away, you were so right!
How could you have known !?
So, I believe you now, maybe you were a little psychic!
Nick, I always put you on a pedestal, you were everything I wasn’t. Smart, confident (sometimes to the point of arrogant!) , successful, ambitious, determined, well liked. You were everything to everyone, an adviser, mentor, confidante, great mate.
You had friends from all walks of life, such was the span of your personality. Always wanting to learn and to better yourself, you used to tell me to ‘surround yourself with people you’d want to be like, to inspire you to be a better person.’ You were the only person I ever needed around, you gave me inspiration by the bucket loads.
In the early 2000’s we’d jokingly sing, ‘I wanna be like Nick’ because you were such a perfectionist all rounder, we teased you, but only because we really did love the way you were.
Though I still stand by what i’ve always said, you just weren’t that funny, though you always thought you were, leave the funny to me, it’s just one thing you didn’t excel in! Sorry!
But, you were always mature beyond your years, I sometimes felt like I was dating a much older guy. When we’d go out to dinner, you’d talk finance and property and i’d do my best to keep up, with all my 24 years of worldly experience!
As time would evolve so did my appreciation of you and your maturity, it’s one of the things I loved about you the most.
I want to thank you for bringing John into our lives. I know you and his Dad orchestrated this whole thing, i’m sure my grandfather approved of it too. Please say hi to them from us. Don’t act coy about it, there is no other explanation of how we’ve come to be, and I know you still have a sneaky hand in what goes on around here!
I see the white feathers you leave around the house for me, I know you left one at my bedroom door on the day of my wedding, it gave me such a sense of peace knowing you were here for me, just your way of dropping in and saying hi on my most special day.
I feel when you’re around us, which these days is much less than before, but I always appreciate you popping by. Claudia used to tell me about the times you’d play with her in her room, she still mentions it now.
And my sister wants to thank you for getting Marcus to sleep in his big boy bed last year, it truly surprised us all, when he said ‘Uncle Nick says it’s time for me to sleep in my own bed’. He was only 9 months when you died, but he still has a strong connection to you. Though you were always concerned he was a little too roly poly, he has since grown into a handsome little boy, with no weight issues!!
Our families are all well, we talk about you often. I still see your Aunt and Uncle and your cousins, who have all been so accepting of John into our families. They have been so welcoming, even in their immense grief over losing you, they haven’t given me any trouble over my new relationship, not ever! For that, I thank them for being so understanding and generous.
I try my best to be with your parents as much as possible. They still have Claudia once a week for the day and that keeps them entertained, they always look forward to her visits. They still mourn and miss you, as we all do, but I notice some improvements, though they’ll never fully recover from losing you, they do the best they can, to continue to live every day without you. They have also taken John into their lives so seamlessly, you’d be so proud of them!
I saw you in my dream last night, dressed all in white (weird I know, it’s not like you were ever in a boy band!) you were sitting with a laptop reading The Polished Widow, you told me it was ‘spot on’, everything was how you remembered and you told me how proud you were of me. Strange, but I woke up straight after it, feeling like it really was your way of reaching out to me, if it was, message received, thank you.
i love you more now than ever, but it’s because you don’t leave your dirty clothes on the bathroom floor anymore, or give me a hard time for wearing nail polish! You’re the perfect husband, I get to focus only on how much I miss you everyday instead.
Finally, Nick although I am married again, you know I will never forget you. You made me the woman I am today, because of you I have learnt to appreciate life and to live everyday fully. You reminded me that family is so important and that a handful of good friends is all you’ll ever need. You told me you had faith in me, that I could do this without you and still be a good mum to Claudia (don’t judge me because I give her fairy bread for breakfast some days!)
I do my very best to make you proud of us everyday. Not a decision is made without me thinking, ‘what would Nick do?’, you’re still influencing me in the best possible way.
Loving you always, in this life and beyond,
your wife and widow, Michela xxx
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