They said what ??

Welcome back to my next post of 2017, see I kinda promised to keep it going and here we are.

If you missed my post from the other week, you can click on it here.

But, now onto this weeks thoughts…

Firstly, if it wasn’t hard enough losing my husband at 30, worse still, was that I apparently did not receive my copy of the ‘how to grieve and move on after loss, in order to not offend or disturb anyone else’s life‘ handbook.

I mean really, that could have saved so many other people their sleepless nights, worrying about what I was doing, right?

Apparently how I dealt with Nick’s passing, had such an impact on how others treated me and definitely what they thought of me. I’ve written numerous times about how I felt I didn’t grieve properly, based on societies expectations.

I didn’t have a breakdown, I didn’t cry for days on end, I didn’t wear black, I returned to work fairly quickly and worse still I remarried. Oh the horror!

And because of all these things and many more, you can catch up on some of what i’ve already written by clicking here and ย hereย for my funeral posts, I found myself constantly being watched for when they all assumed, the final straw would break me and it would make everyone else feel better to finally see the young widow inconsolable.

That was all in the early days post Nick’s passing but truth be told, I still faced judgement over my life decisions long past it.

When my now husband and I started dating, I constantly heard that it was ‘too soon’, ‘it wasn’t appropriate yet’, and ‘that I should wait a while before I told anyone’.

But what is the rule on how long before exploring a new relationship, because again, I didn’t get the handbook???

I have no idea why it impacted anyone else, I was still mourning the loss of my husband, I felt ‘relationship guilt’ for seeing someone else, who by the way, was very respectful of my situation, and I was also beginning to find my new normal and that was all ok with me.

Luckily for me, my own family and even Nick’s were very supportive, and this made things a lot smoother.

But once ‘friends’ found out, they suddenly distanced themselves from me. Apparently, ‘they couldn’t see me with anyone else’, ‘it didn’t feel right to them‘, ‘they were sure, Nick wouldn’t be happy’, and ‘they would never do what I was doing.’ All of these things were nonsense and those that knew Nick, knew he wanted me to be happy.

And my favourite comment, ‘Nick would be turning in his grave if he knew’, what a crappy thing to say to a widow!! And what does it even mean?!? I’ve also heard, ‘he’d be doing cartwheels’, let me assure you, he wasn’t that agile. I’d like to think he’d be giving himself a high 5 instead, over how great it’s all worked out.

All of these comments and judgement were never helpful, it just made me question my friendships and what I was doing,ย even though I knew it wasn’t wrong. And yes, these things were said to my face, not behind closed doors.

Hard to imagine, right?

And because of this, most of those friends never took the time to get to know my now husband, choosing instead to just fade from our lives with their own small minded opinions about us, including that I must have never loved Nick because I have now replaced him?!?

Oh yeah, that must be why I still have his photos up and write this blog talking about him.

I’ve had widows write me to say they found their next love within months of their partner’s passing, and another widow who writes me often, who suggests within 12 months most of his widowed friends had new partners but then I know another widow who has hidden her boyfriend for years to please her strict family.

What people need to understand is there is no time limit and for the most part, the widow is probably already questioning themselves enough, without the added interference of those around them.

Isn’t it wonderful that people who have gone through such a loss, can have a second chance at love again. Isn’t that worth being supportive. You may not understand the situation, but while you sit on the couch next to your partner watching The Real Housewives of wherever, maybe spare a thought for the friend of yours, widowed or even just single, sitting home wondering if they’ll be alone forever.

But ultimately, I choose to forgive the stupid comments and move forward with my life at my own pace, like Mother Teresa said, ‘if we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive’.

You don’t need to be a widow or have a friend go through this type of loss, the message is simple, keep your judgement to yourself. Most of what you say, will get back to whoever you’re talking about, and it will be hurtful. And like the old saying goes, ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say….’ well, you get the point.

Thanks for reading along and allowing me to brain dump my thoughts into something legible again.

And I’d love to hear your thoughts on this, so write me and let me know.

Til next time, Michela xx

 

17 thoughts on “They said what ??

  1. People will always form their own opinion of others, so the best way to go is do what you feel is best for you, after all its your life and you have reasons for living it the way you do. Remain encouraged’

  2. Thank you for your article. Finally somebody write about this. It have been 4 years for me, yet I don’t think it is appropriate for me to go dinner by myself, let alone with another man.

    1. Hi Hida, im so sorry for your loss and also that you feel the pressures of being a widow. It’s so unfair we have to deal with the way other’s think we should act or live our lives.
      We should be able to move forward however we like, without the judgement.Take care of yourself and do what you feel is right.
      Michela xx

  3. Hey lovely lady,
    Nick would be soooo happy that you and Claudia are happy. The sadness for Nick is that it isn’t him sitting next to you on the couch but there is only one bad guy in all of this….the bloody cancer!!
    Thinking of you and Nick all the time and I love reading your posts.
    I am so happy that you are happy xxoo

    1. Hey Suzie, soooo nice to hear from you, I still think of you often and hope you and your boys are well. Yep, you’re right, cancer is the evil one here, always was. But, i’m lucky in that I have a wonderful husband who allows me to talk and write about Nick all I want, he’s a special guy, you’d like him! And i’m 100% sure Nick is smiling down on us, everyday, happy with the way he orchestrated this new life of mine. You know Nick, always liked to be in control! Miss you lots Michela xxxxxx

  4. I don’t know you or your passed husband. But all I can say is you both sound like beautiful people. I’m so happy you have found love again with another beautiful man. Good luck to you and your family xxx

  5. I too have experienced the judgement of others in the way that I grieve. We all talk about how difficult it is as a widow already without those close to us judging our behaviors and actions. It’s funny how people fall asleep next to their life partner and have never experienced the kind of loss that we have experienced but they feel that they know how they would respond and act in our shoes. My husband died of lung cancer 3 years and two months ago. I started dating my current partner a year and a half after my husband died and my family did not support me and neither did some of my closest friends. My heart has been broken twice, once by my husband dying and another time by multiple people who judged my decision of dating my partner. They claimed that they are trying to protect me from bad decisions, but what they think is protection, is really just the opposite. I wish people would understand that they have their own life to live, support me while I live mine.

    1. Hi, thank you for taking the time to write me, im sorry for your loss and understand the judgement all too well. I also started dating my now husband about 18 months later and it was also ‘too soon’ for others. How ridiculous!! I’m sorry you also went through this, sounds like we’re not alone either, like we havent been through enough losing our loves, we’re then treated like lepers when we try and re-build our lives. You absolutely can’t win.
      I hope you are looking after you and living your life for you.
      Michela xx

  6. Well written my beautiful sister! And if i can add huge huge love goes to your absolutely beautiful gorgeous and amazing husband!!! I have so so much love and the utmost respect for him. To see and be a part of your love has made me a better person. To see what real acceptance understanding and partnership is makes my heart sing. He is a strong and beautiful man. As someone that knew Nick i know that he’d be a happy man knowing that his family is in such good hands!

  7. as always great advice . . . . . and how can any of us know what we will do unless we are in that situation ourselves, and how can any of us know what is right for someone who is going through it or know what anyone else might think. All we can do is be supportive, and hope that however long it takes for someone to find their way through what is happening that it is at the right pace and in the right way for them xx

  8. You have been a very brave woman. I admire your honesty. And I believe Nick would be so happy for you and what you have done. Live your life the way you want not the way others expect you to be.
    It is so lovely to hear how happy you are. I have followed your blog since Nicks passing and have always admired you so you have a lot of supporters. Xx

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