Once you bury your husband

I read a quote this week, it went along the lines of ‘Once you bury your husband, you realise you can do anything’.

Once you bury your husband
Our Wedding 22nd Jan, 2005

As I celebrated my 34th birthday this week, being already 2 years older than Nick was when he died, it got me thinking about my own life since burying Nick, and how much i’ve changed as a person.

Somehow not a lot worries me now. I’ve taken on a ‘let life happen’ approach. Because as i’ve discovered even the best laid out plans, don’t always turn out as you’d expect.

I never in my wildest nightmares, expected to be a 30 year old widow and single mum, but I was.

I’m sure if you look hard enough at your life so far, there will have been events that happened out of the blue, that threw you off your feet.

Whether a death, a redundancy at work or even a sudden break up.

We don’t always have control over situations.

Burying my husband showed me that, and gave me a new perspective on life.

I felt like once Nick died, once that unimaginable event happened, and I can honestly say now, that I am proud of the way I handled it, that it did make me feel almost invincible.

If that’s what life had for me, then everything else would be a piece of cake.

I had got through the worst possible life situation at my age, and I survived.

My friends and family, sometimes say I am too relaxed about things. They say they wish they were more like me.

A friend recently joked that if I was to have another baby, she’d be coming around a lot more, just to check I was the doing the right things, because i’m too relaxed as a mum.

Of course, we all laughed, but i’m sure there was a little truth to her comment.

Some people would think, since Nick’s death, i’d be all over my daughter, helicopter mum style. But, i’m not.

Of course I love her to pieces but, she also needs to know if she walks along the top of the couch, she might fall and hurt herself.

She’ll never know this, if i’m always behind her, ready to catch her when she tumbles. A metaphor for life really…

She needs to learn the consequences of her actions.

Since burying Nick, I don’t stress about the future, I only wonder where we’ll be in the next year, not the next ten.

If something is out of my control, then I definitely don’t stress about it.

What is the use in worrying about something, that hasn’t even happened yet.

If I spent the time when Nick was sick, worrying about when his end would come, then I would not have enjoyed our last months together.

It was beyond our control when he would die, there was no point concerning ourselves too much with it, we still had 7 months of life left together and that was far more important.

This belief of living in the moment has stuck with me ever since. I don’t like to plan things too far into the future, preferring to live in the present instead.

Because we all know life is short and our babies grow up too quickly. I want to spend as much time with my daughter now, before I blink and she’s all grown up and finishing high school.

Ok, might take more than a few blinks, but you get the point.

I have minimal time in my life for controversy, stupidity or trivial matters. One of my friends reminded me of my bluntness following Nick’s death, when she came over to vent about a boy she was seeing, lots of blah, blah, blah, I don’t know if I want to be with him stuff.

I told her to get over herself, if she didn’t want to be with him, to break it off. Her happiness was more important than spending her time crying about it on my couch.

I was blunt and direct, something I was incapable of before Nick died.

It’s like I inherited a part of Nick’s confidence when he passed.

Losing Nick, who was my rock, made me need to be more assertive myself.

There was no longer anyone else to fall back on, and though I have happily remarried, i’m still fiercely independent. I will never go back to relying on anyone else to be my backbone.

I want my daughter to know her mother is a strong, capable woman, who doesn’t need a man in her life, but instead chooses to share her life with one.

That together, John and I, are a team that makes decisions, that no one is the boss.

That she too, can be strong and independent and make her own life decisions one day, that women can be anything they choose. (Though something mum might need is always useful!)

I will also add, I like the new me, I prefer the woman i’ve become to the one I was. It’s why i’m so grateful for having had Nick in my life, who taught me the importance of independence, though at the time I was unwilling to listen.

He was right, I needed to step up once he was gone, to fill the void he left and I think i’ve done a fine job of it.

In short, you don’t need to lose your husband at 30 to gain a new perspective on life.

Don’t sweat the small stuff, enjoy time with your kids and family, know how fleeting life can be, surround yourself with positive people.

Because life doesn’t have to be hard, it’s what you make it, you can get through anything if you don’t have a ‘woe is me‘ mentality.

And on another note for this coming Sunday, a very Happy Father’s Day to all the Dads out there, whether here or hanging with Nick, biological or not.

On that, I hate the words stepdad or stepfather, Claudia knows she is so lucky to have two Dads that love her so much, and there is nothing step about the way John loves and cares for her. We love you John, thank you! xx

Thanks so much for reading, sharing and writing me, I love hearing from you!!

I will eventually be bringing this blog to an end sometime soon, but in the meantime, thank you for your ongoing support.

Til next time, Michela xx

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18 thoughts on “Once you bury your husband

  1. Hello, you certainly give me hope. my Husband passed away 7 weeks ago and I am completely devastated, leaving me and my 4 year old daughter behind. Any advice, words comments will be greatly appreciated.

  2. Hi Michela…just catching up on your latest updates after a manic summer…I am totally with you 100% on this post! It takes something like this to make you really understand what ‘living in the moment’ really means. I used to come out with the term all the time and it wasn’t until my mum’s diagnosis that I actually understood it from the heart. I also get the bluntness thing too! ha ha…My tolerance level seemed to reduce dramatically…and it never really recovered I have to say. I’m quite pleased about it though – it gives a useful filter in life to concentrate on the things and people which are actually truthfully important to you. Life is too short to worry about things that haven’t yet happened, what others think, and people who you really don’t want in your life….Well done on this post…and your whole blog in fact…oh, and a belated happy 34th birthday too from sunny (at the moment) UK! xxx

    1. Thank you Angela for the bday wishes and for ‘getting me’. I think some people would think we’re mad for becoming so intolerant after our loss, but I think it makes total sense, no time for wishy washy stuff anymore. I much prefer my own company to being around whiners!
      I love reading your posts too, oh and a congrats on the article in the hospice newsletter, so lovely to read your nice review on the hospice your mum went to, there are so many bad news stories about them, it’s great to hear you had a positive experience! Looking forward to your next post!! xx

  3. Hi Michela

    I have read all your blogs from day 1 and I just want to say it was the most inspirational, emotional, and educational bit of literature I have ever read.
    I honestly think this would be a best seller if you ever made it into a book and I also love the title THE POLISHED WIDOW.
    I’m so happy you and Claudia have found love again with John and I want to thank you for sharing all your life experiences with us and wish you all the best for your future together
    Kind regards
    Number 1 fan
    Faye Wright

    1. Hi Aunty Faye,
      Thank you so much for writing me, I had no idea you were reading along, i’m honestly so touched that you have found it inspirational and even educational. I never expected it to have that impact on anyone.
      Thank you for your kind words, I have been so fortunate to find love again and I look forward to what the future brings us as a new blended family.
      Hope your family is all well.
      Lots of love, Michela xx

  4. wow, all your posts are amazing and touching, but this one stands out, and its so true and honest. I love everything you wrote, and I hope more people take on your advise and way of life, having your attitude, makes getting through life so much easier. u definitely are a wonderful woman and nick would be soooo proud of you, not only for who you are, but the way your bringing up your gorgeous girl. god bless you all xoxoxo

  5. Beautiful , you touch my heart xx I’m so lucky to have you in my life and call you my family, I love you dearly xx

  6. “It’s like I inherited a part of Nick’s confidence when he passed.” That’s a beautiful thing to take from Nick and keep with you for the rest of our life. Well, said!

  7. You truly are an inspiration Michela. Your blogs leave me speechless. You’ve taught me a lot about grief and living without loved ones. Love and Blessings xoxo

  8. Wow Michela you are so much older than your years ,wise beyond belief,
    Inspirational, and just amazing. You are so right when you say be in the day not the next year, cause we just don’t know what is around the corner.
    Happy birthday for this week, I hope you had a lovely day. Lynn xx

    1. Hi Lynn,
      Thank you for the bday wishes, I had a beautiful day surrounded by family and friends.
      Thank you also for your kind words, some days I do feel older than my 34 years and others, I still feel like as carefree as a 16 year old schoolgirl! Appreciate your support so much!

  9. Michella,
    Greetings from Indonesia!
    Since I read your article, I appreciate your direct and clear language, the no nonsense way you deal with your husband’s passing. I can’t say it like that about my husband who died last year. I am still in grief, the world is still confusing for me. Please keep writing, I like your stories, they help me dealing with my own grief. I wrote my story in my blog, but now I am more active writing in Google + ( +Ade Hida)

    1. Hi Ade,
      Thank you so much for writing me, I so appreciate it. I have also added you on google+ and look forward to reading some of your writing.
      I’m happy my stories have helped a little way in your grief, be kind on yourself though, grief is a tough and painful road to walk, my condolences on the loss of your husband. xx

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