Welcome back to another post, I was going to title this, “I see dead people’ but opted against it for the less offensive ‘Are they ever really gone?’
As you read along you’ll see what I mean.
Nick has been gone now for 3 years and 10 months, but that’s not to say I haven’t seen him since that time. I’ll explain further before you start to think i’m some crazy widowed lady with 6 cats and too much time on my hands.
I have over the years seen what i’ll call ‘flashes’ of him. Always at pivotal times since he passed and it has always been a comfort, rather than something scary.
I can never say when he’ll ‘pop’ up, but I can hand on my heart, 100% say, it’s him and not my mind playing tricks on me.
It has become less frequent as time has rolled on, and I know that it’s just his way of checking in and letting me know he is still here for us.
That he does hear our daughter, when she wishes him a goodnight and that he is around when we talk about him and I fill John in on the type of guy he was and the times we had.
I should also mention it’s always when i’m at home and mostly when i’ve been alone.
Mum tells me that I had these type of ‘flashes’ growing up, that I told her I saw my great granddad and described him in detail, though we’d never met when I was about 6 or 7.
And one of my most vivid moments was about 11 years ago, I saw my old childhood dog, who had died years earlier, walk right past my feet at my mum’s place. I calmly told my mum that i’d just seen Socks (he had white paws, get it?) wondering down the hallway, she believed me and didn’t make a big deal out of it.
Next morning, we discovered our beloved blue heeler, Bluey (yes, again we were really bad at pet names!) had passed away. I’ve always felt that Socks came to get him or maybe it was his way of telling me what was to come the next day, who knows?
I’ve never thought I had some kind of ‘gift’, I still don’t, but I do know Nick and I always had a strong connection from the moment we met, and I think that has continued, even though he is not physically with me anymore.
After he passed, I could always ‘sense’ when he was here, a feeling I would have, and then it would pass and I’d know he was gone. I’d talk to him, say, ‘here again, checking up on us, are you?’ and ‘we’re all good, don’t worry, i’ve got this’.
When my nail polish obsession started to grow, now standing at over 250 in my collection, I would be painting my nails and swear I could hear his disapproval over my shoulder and i’d just laugh and say, ‘you can’t do anything about this now’. You can read about his hate of me wearing nail polish here.
Our daughter would often tell me she ‘saw’ Daddy or he had played with her before bed. And I always believed her, she had no reason to lie. She was only a year old when he died and often i’d find her in her cot laughing away, staring at something, like she was interacting with thin air.
They say children are innocent and have that connection with those that have passed away. She doesn’t talk about seeing him anymore, but she’s nearly 5, so maybe her window has closed.
Or not…last year, my birthday also fell on Father’s Day, lucky me, so I decided to have the family over for dinner. While I was cooking away in the kitchen, I felt his presence and looked up to see Nick standing with a smile on his face at the side door, only a metre or so away from me. As quickly as I saw him, (looking well, I might add!) he was gone. I smiled and continued chopping away.
Our daughter, Claudia had her back to me, watching TV at the time. I started to talk to her and reminded her that it was Father’s Day today and asked if she’d wished her Dad a ‘Happy Father’s Day’ yet? She often says things out loud to him.
She groaned at having to turn away from her favourite show to face me and said, ‘ok, mum, i’ll do it now’. She jumped off the couch and walked straight over to where i’d just seen Nick, ‘Happy Father’s Day, Dad’ she said to the screen door and then went and plopped herself back on the couch.
She had no way of knowing i’d just seen him there, but she must have known somehow that he had been or was still was.
That he had been watching over us, popping in to wish me a happy birthday and to see his little girl on Father’s Day.
I’ve spoken before about the time he visited my nephew to help him sleep in his own big bed, you can catch up on that here. Again, I have no reason to dispute this, these are moments too surreal to pick apart.
And if you knew Nick, you’d know what a control freak he was, always trying to keep a handle on everything.
And then there are the feathers, funny how I never found one in the house prior to his passing. I’ve had people tell me they must blow in with the wind when we open the door, but really, do you have white feathers popping up all over the place ??
White feathers, carefully placed, where i’ll see them. Again, just a reminder, that he’s watching over us. I have collected them over the years and again, we don’t see as many now, the last was on my wedding day this January, but he knows we’re well and happy once more, so maybe that’s why.
For the record, John has also found these feathers around, and believes in my ‘flashes’ of Nick.
I’ve even had a call from a close friend of ours who also discovered perfect white feathers in their home, after discussing a huge life change, one they had often talked about with Nick. Like it was his way of weighing in on their decision, we again had to laugh at this, it’s typical Nick!
Once he passed, in those first few months, many of friends would start their conversations with, ‘I don’t know if you believe this but….’ and would tell me something that had happened, that they thought was a ‘sign’ from Nick.
I’d tell them if they thought it was Nick, then it probably was, and would share something that happened to me to make them feel a bit better about what they’d experienced.
So, they didn’t question it so much, and think they were imagining things. We often try and make sense of it, talk ourselves out of believing it could be anything but something logical.
I could go on and on about all the times and ‘things’ that have happened, but I think you get the picture so far.
So, are they ever really gone? I’d love to hear your own stories. I’d love for you to try and dispute mine, but I know what ive seen and felt over the years.
If this hadn’t happened to me, would I be a skeptic about it too? Are some people more open to these experiences than others? Is it just my own spiritual connection with Nick that has allowed me these little insights?
I don’t believe that when you die, that’s it. I think there must be an afterlife or something, or that your spirit can still live on, i’m still not sure.
I’m sure many of you reading along, will be rolling your eyes at this point!
I know that those that have passed are never really gone because they live on through our memories and stories of them. I know whenever I look into my daughter’s eyes, I see Nick and i’m reminded that she was the final, special gift he gave me.
So, even if you don’t ‘see’ or ‘sense’ your loved ones that have passed, know that you carry them with you in your heart always, and I truly believe they are looking down and aware of all that continues on in our lives.
Maybe even pausing to read the tributes you write to them on Facebook or other social media sites come their anniversaries!
Til next time, Michela xx
Thanks again for reading along, and I know I keep saying i’m winding down soon, but this is really one of the last few, thanks for staying with me so long and allowing me the space to share my stories.
Feel free to continue to share the love and comment, email me and share your own stories of post loss, if you’ve had a similar situation happen!