Isn’t time weird??? I felt like I just wrote this post a few months ago and yet its been 12 whole months since I wrote this kind of post and also 8 years since Nick left this world. Crazy????
So, again if you’ve just stumbled across this, i’m Michela and I lost my first husband to pancreatic cancer 8 years ago today. You can read from the beginning if you like by clicking here.
Or if you’d like to read my previous posts and how the years have rolled by, you can click on any of the below you fancy:
But back to the current year at hand, I still struggle to believe so much time has passed. But yet, I look around and so much has changed since 2011, so who am I fooling?
Nothing stays the same, we change, we evolve, we learn to live another day, month, year and before we know it, the time is passing. And just when you thought you couldn’t feel any better, you survey your life and realise it really is ok. The worst has passed and you didn’t even notice.
This has been my experience and I hope if you’re reading this, having just lost someone close to you, that you will feel the same way soon. And truthfully, the waves of emotion still come for me, but they are further apart and shorter in time. While i’ll never forget Nick (who could!) i’m just better at remembering the best of him and our memories instead now.
But, it’s taken time and recently we lost Nick’s mum and I felt like I went a little backwards. It’s still very raw and recent, and we have always stayed close since Nick passed, especially as i’ve been apart of his family for nearly 20 years. I do take comfort in knowing she is with her son and i’m sure making up for the past 8 years they lost together. They were so close, though she was never the same after he died, but she managed through life and soldiered on to the end, she had the same bravery I saw in Nick, the same determination and the same fight in her.
But, it inadvertently bought back so many emotions in me, that I had pushed to the far back of my memory. I started to re-live so much of Nick’s being sick and how difficult it was, including the day he passed and how my get it done attitude was really the disguise for my grief.
And while I’ve experienced people passing since Nick died, including my grandmother last year, this one hit a nerve, one that I thought was healed. I found myself crying both for my mother in law and Nick. Being in the same church, with the same priest and many of the same people was a trigger to my emotions. One I wasn’t prepared for, but completely understood where it came from. I just had to be patient with myself and allow the feelings to come and pass. Ones I probably didn’t allow myself 8 years ago. I was also emotional at seeing how far i’d come since sitting in that church all those years earlier. I was so scared of what the future held, not knowing what I was ‘meant’ to do next.
My husband John, has been my sounding board, he’s heard so many stories I had ‘forgotten’, as the memories came flooding back. Things I thought I forgot, flashed back in such clear detail, it was as though it happened the day before. I remembered conversations, what I’d wore and who was there etc. And shout out to John, for letting me talk it out and being by my side, as I started to feel like a ‘widow’ all over again. I don’t know too many partners that are content to be with their wives first family and to listen to all the stories from their past.
In my mother in law’s final days, I would sit and chat with her, she knew it was the end. I asked her to send some messages to Nick for me, mostly that I loved him and that I knew he was still around, and that i’d catch him on the other side. We spent time laughing and crying together. I kept my daughter home from school to spend one last day with her. I felt extra emotional knowing she was going to be with Nick soon and maybe even a little jealous, but I know it’s not my time, not for a long while yet.
And so on Nick’s 8 year anniversary, I know he’s happy. I know he’s still watching over us and keeping tabs on what we do. I still talk to him daily and ask his advice, I subtlety hear his responses. And I know he would be so happy with the way my life has panned out since he left. And through the trials that life has thrown at us, I know he’d be so proud of my ability to get it done and go about life.
I miss you Nick…. yesterday, today and all the years left in my life. And say hi to mum for me, I know she’s reading this along with you! xxx