Tag Archives: memories

7 years on….

Hey there, it’s been a quick minute since I last posted (actually like 10 months) but we’ll skip over that and i’ll just get to the point.

Today marks 7 years since Nick passed away. Yep, I know what you’re thinking, ‘already 7 years’, ‘that’s gone quickly’ and ‘why am i reading this, who’s Nick?’

Well, keep reading….

I won’t go over the same things I wrote about on his 6 years gone by post, you can read it by clicking here or what I wrote for his 5 year anniversary post, you can find it here.

And on the odd chance you just stumbled here, click here to know a bit more about Nick’s story.

I’ve spent time today going through the hours of footage Nick left us, going about his everyday life during his treatment and it’s after effects, to his monologues for our then baby girl, of what he wanted her to be in life, ‘kind, thoughtful, patient and beautiful, just like your mum’,  his own words, I swear!

Of course, she has become all those things and more, and she is way more beautiful at 8, than I could ever be!

On reflecting on the past 7 years, it makes me extra grateful to have these clips of him. They remind me of his being a perfectionist, with a video he filmed of himself trimming our garden hedge, his dedication to his work life with the many clips of him talking to his work mates and of course his love for us and our families, with so many of him talking about everyone and what they meant to him.

I’m grateful for these videos, for a selfish reason too, because i’m scared as the years go on, that my memories won’t be as sharp.

That I’ll forget about the time we first stated dating and he wore the dorkiest sandals to the beach, or the fact he secretly loved Britney Spears and would play her albums over and over in his car, or how complimentary he always was about what I wore and how vocal he was about what we ate for dinner.

The Funeral - The Final Goodbye - part 2
Nicks memorial card

Will I remember the names of his mentors from work who he spoke about constantly, wanting to emulate their career paths. He had such respect for those who had come before him, telling me he’d be just like them and better one day.

I’ll always remember the way he had of talking to you, when he was trying to get a point across. It was both parts demanding and motivating, all at once. Sometimes during these lectures, I’d zone out but gosh, I wish I’d recorded some of these chats to replay to myself now. Those are the things I wish I remembered verbatim.

Will I always remember the look on his face, when he told me about his terminal cancer diagnosis, unfortunately yes, that look still haunts me. His blank stare, trying to be brave, but holding back tears. The questions hanging in the air between us, with no answers.

Will I remember what his first car was, what his first pet’s name was, what his favourite memory from school was, what he wanted to be when he was a kid?

The many conversations we had over the years aren’t all stored in my memory, and after 10 years together and 7 years since he’s been gone, i’m getting a little rusty and it scares me.

Luckily, I have so many videos and photos of our time together, just one picture will take me back to that time in place, the start of a video will remind me of that part of our lives.

For as crazy as people thought it was to document his treatment, it has turned into the best memory I have of him. It’s real, honest and raw in every way, but it’s Nick in all his glory showing his strength and bravery when the world was so against him.

He is sorely missed, not just today but everyday. He is still spoken about, not just sometimes, but every single day and he is loved, not just while he was with us, but every day since he’s been gone too.

Thanks for reading along, til next time, whenever that might be?!?

Michela xx


Happy Birthday Nick!

Its your birthday, we’re gonna party like its your birthday

Hi again and welcome back, for those of you who have just stumbled across my blog, you can catch up on it all by starting here and for those who’ve been with me since the beginning, thank you and look, i’ve (kind of) stayed true to to my word and kept writing!!

Today is Nick’s birthday, he would have turned 39. I’m sure with it would have come the usual ribbing of ‘you’re getting old’ to what should we do for your birthday next year, tossing up between a huge bash or an overseas trip.

It’s still feels so strange to me that i’m now older than he was when he passed away aged 32. He was always so mature and felt years older than me. When you die do you stay the same or do you continue to age? I’m going to say being forever 32, wouldn’t be so bad. Guess we’ll never know, but to me, he’ll always be older and far more worldly than I could ever be, even if I live another 50 years.

In honour of his birthday, we’ll light a candle (one my daughter made especially for Daddy Nick), blow out a candle on a cupcake and i’ll pull out some old photos and then just like that, it’s another year gone.

As with every birthday or occasion, I choose to instead spend it remembering Nick and all the good times and hearts he touched during his time with us. I don’t ever go down the ‘if he was still here…’ path because that will lead nowhere. And as i’ve mentioned before, you can read about it here, I do believe he spends some of his time still dropping in to see us. I mean what else is there to do, right ?

Like for example, earlier this week, my daughter, Claudia walked into my bedroom, it was after 7:30am and the sun was streaming through my blinds filling the bedroom with light. We had a quick chat and she walked into my ensuite, on her way back to me she casually asked, ‘who was that man at the end of your bed?’

I’ll let that sink in for you for a sec……

‘What man?’

I hadn’t seen or sensed anyone in our room. Claudia is also 7 and not the type of kid who makes up stories or has a crazy imagination. She was so cool about it too, she said ‘he’s gone now, but he was just standing there.’

Of course, I asked who she thought it was, she couldn’t be sure, she said he had a kind of shadow around him. She wasn’t freaked out or scared, just curious as to who it was.

Well, so was I, but the more I thought about it, the more sense it made, that it was Nick on his birthday week, just dropping in to see his girl and how quickly she’s grown. I’ve asked her a few times about it since and the story is always the same, she does have a history of seeing her Dad over the years, so this might just be another sighting.

In another moment, I do find when I sit down to write, I have a feeling like i’m being watched, sounds much creepier than it is and I swear it’s not my neighbour.  But it’s just like someone is reading over my shoulder, but from a distance, yeah crazy I know, but try telling that to Nick who’s probably reading along as I write this, willing me to include some funny anecdote about him. But, I won’t, like i’ve always said, he wasn’t that funny!

March 16 will always be a date I remember, and not just because it was my youngest daughters due date, again something I think Nick wanted, though she came two weeks earlier, but more because it will always be Nick’s day. I’ve received so many messages and calls today remembering him, and I always prefer this date to the day he died, because this was the day he was bought into the world, not the day he left it.

On this day 39 years ago, he was born, healthy and thriving. His birth bought joy and happiness to his family, on the 5th February, he left a shadow of his former self, unrecognisable to the man he once was and the way I remember him being, so strong and confident.

So this is why I choose to write on this day and remember Nick for the kind, thoughtful, loving, sometimes arrogant and occasional stubborn guy he was. And I thank him for choosing me to live his short life with and I thank him for bringing me my husband to continue my journey with, (because we all know he had a hand in that too). I also thank him for showing me what love and life was and also with his passing, for giving me a life perspective that I never had before. To know that life is short and we need to live each day as honestly and full as we can. To love wholeheartedly, for we never know what our future holds and to be true to ourselves always.

Oh and Nick if you’re reading this, Happy Birthday, we love you always and I look forward to your next drop in, whenever that may be!

Til next time, Michela xx

P.S You can also follow me on Instagram now by searching the_polished_widow where i’m posting bits and pieces along the way!



Look what I found..

Hey There, just a quick weekend post I wanted to share with you, that I quickly typed after clearing out my study drawer, Look what I found..

Look what I found..
Photo from 2003, day after we got engaged, looking oh so young!

Today I decided to clean out a drawer in my study, mostly to free up some space, as i’m finding it hard to add anything else to the files.

As i’ve mentioned before Nick was super organised and this obviously extended to our home life and organising of all our paperwork.

Photo below shows the drawer I was starting to clear

look what I found
the drawer

As you’ll see he’d labelled some of the partitions, Tax Info, Insurances, house bills, furniture receipts and certificates, where we kept  our wedding, baptism and I guess I should add death certificates to that list now!

I thought i’d attack the furniture receipts compartment, as I probably haven’t been through it since his passing.

Once I pulled the enormous pile out, I quickly realised they spanned our entire married life.

These old faded receipts, stepped me back in time, through our years together.

There’s no secret Nick was organised, i’ve talked about it previously here but what I found in these folds of paper was more than even I expected.

There were receipts for anything we ever purchased for the house, like our blinds, couches, bed, furniture extending to all his tools and all our appliances.

With every receipt I read, I remembered our time together as newlyweds, shopping for furniture for our new home.

A new home that we had built, that we were excited to live in together, that we hoped to raise a family in.

I found the receipt for my KitchenAid mixer, that he bought as a 1 month wedding anniversary gift, that still holds its pride of place in my kitchen.

I found receipts from Bunnings for every nut and bolt, reminding me of how much extra work he put into our home, that he never stopped trying to improve.

How before he died, he built a small shelter out the back where my bins are kept, so I wouldn’t get wet, if it rained and I needed to dump some rubbish.

I found every receipt for the theater room, that was his pride and joy, that kept him entertained and helped him block out his illness, watching movies or the Grand Prix.

Where we’d sleep on the recliner chairs at night, when his cancer wouldn’t allow him to lie down.

I found receipts for every suit he purchased for work, including alteration pick up receipts and every new pair of shoes he bought to go with them.  Nick was very conscious of his appearance and never wore the same suit twice in a week!

Within the folds of these pieces of paper, I found the receipt for my Prada sunglasses, that he bought me from Rome, Italy. That I still only wear when driving, because I hate wearing sunglasses otherwise, but he was adamant I needed a pair to protect my eyes from sun damage and wrinkles. (Always making sure I looked after myself!) Nick had a love of sunglasses and between him and my sister, they always gave me grief that I didn’t own a pair! The shock!

I even found the transfer paper for his beloved RX7, which I wrote a little about in this post and also the papers for this last motorbike transfer. My heart aches just remembering how sad he was to let his motorbike go, how much joy it bought him, but ultimately knowing he wasn’t in good enough health to ride it anymore.

My favourite receipt that bought a tear to my eye, was the final piece of jewellery he bought me for our 6 year anniversary, that I wrote a little about in this piece. The beautiful diamond stud earrings, that i’ve worn ever since. He purchased these all on his own, and it makes me smile to find the receipt now dated 20/1/11, two days before our anniversary and just 2 weeks before his passing on 5/2/11.

Giving a little insight into his actions before he died, on a spare moment when I wasn’t by his side.

In short, these receipts are a walk down memory lane, what I thought would take a quick minute to go through, had me laughing, crying and reminiscing over an hour and half instead.

Look what I found
Some of the reciepts

As for clearing out the drawer, I ditched half of them and the rest with the memories attached, I’ve added to Nick’s memory box to show Claudia one day, to talk her through her Daddy’s addiction to keeping everything, just in case!

(Gosh, I hope she doesn’t inherit that from him or else her toys could take over the world, or at very least the house!)

Because it doesn’t matter how long it’s been (3 1/2 years) or that i’ve happily re-married (early this Jan) just the faintest printed receipt can bring me right back to our time together, and i’m just fine with that.

Til next time, Michela xx

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